(Entry written Dec. 4, 2018- It only took me over four months to post it. Fear tried to win, but God pushed harder.)
I would like to think that after being a “boy mom” for almost ten years, I would be less touchy- feely about things. I think my years of living with three sisters keeps me grounded in emotion and sentiment. I would also like to think that since I have been a “special needs mom” for five years that I would be pretty used to the ins-and-outs of this world and not unnerved by my role, but, alas, this too is not true.
I’d also like to believe that being a Jesus follower for many years would cause me to listen to God and share in what he is doing, but this too is untrue. This blog has been placed on my heart for quite some time but I have been afraid to write it. I keep putting it off, not listening to that quiet nudge to share this story. I’ve made excuses that I am not a very good writer or don’t have time. Truthfully, I have always struggled with the art of writing and the science of grammar, and like all of us, I stay busy.
But the darn nudge just won’t go away..
I named this blog almost a year ago. It was inspired by Luke 17:6, when Jesus is talking to the disciples about faith. He says, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, “May you be uprooted and planted in the sea," and it would obey.”
Maybe you’ve read this before and thought that you needed to pull up your boot straps and muster up more faith. We turn it around and we think about how we can work harder to get that little seed of faith. But what if we take our eyes off the seed? What if we look at the tree? A tree that God uprooted and moved into the sea. That is a pretty strong image to me. What if we look at what God is doing instead of trying so hard to do it on our own?
It made me think. What if I sit under this tree that was uprooted and planted in the sea? Imagine the view there, above and below all of God’s creative work. Can I do that? I can choose to sit and watch in awe of what God is doing or I can focus on my tiny little dead seed of selfish ideals?
It is fitting that this sentimental, resistant boy-mom would be pushed again to tell God’s story on the anniversary of when our lives were uprooted.
Six years ago today, the day before the world as I knew it would change forever, God was preparing my unknowing heart. In a journal entry, I reflected on Jesus’ entrance into this world. God came to Mary, telling her of this amazing plan. He was going to work through people, people like a young ordinary Mary. Mary's response (though I am sure was laced in questioning and some fear) to this plan was, “ I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.” I had no idea, but when I read it now, I am humbled by God’s kindness to be so near and preparing my heart, even before I called for help. He was there! I think growing up I always thought Mary was unlike me or other mothers. She was more important or better equipped. However, now I see that she, like you and I, are just ordinary people who God is working through.
My written prayer found hidden in my journal the day before the ultrasound was “God you are good-your plans are good and much much bigger than my own. Let me be a part of your plans, God. I am ready to serve.” My prayers were amazingly answered. God let me in on His plan, and not the plans I had.
The challenge I face is to daily remember that this life is His plan. That the challenges of parenting a typical-developing child and a child with physical disabilities is all part of His purpose. But when I do… when I stop trying so hard to muster up the strength and focus so much on “my seed,” then I get glimpses of the view from under the mulberry tree in the sea – and what a view it is!